Not Knowing

This is a poem I wrote for a friend that is having issues....she enjoyed it and has permitted me to share to the world as well - someone out there probably needs the upliftment....

Its family thanksgiving day.

Everyone is in church, seated with their families, children, grandparents and all.

The pastor calls out all the couples that are a year old, and my husband and I file out with the rest.

10 couples in all.

And only one couple is without a baby.

Us.

It felt like the sore thumb, always sticking out. It doesn’t help matters that both my sisters-in-law are among us. I can’t help but feel like everyone is staring at me,

wondering why,

wondering when.

Well, I don't know too!

And I don't like it either!

I don’t like not knowing when God will finally answer my prayers and give me the twins I want.

I don't like not knowing whether I will menstruate or even ovulate each month.

I don't like not knowing how my body could fluctuate between weight levels so rapidly and often.

I don't enjoy being asked when my due date is when I know it’s my bulging tummy that's deceiving their eyes.

I don't like not knowing when my tears will end, when my morning will come at last.

And it doesn’t help matters, not knowing.

How am I supposed to explain to everyone that I'm afflicted with PCOS? Who will understand?

The pastor's call for five year old couples pulls me back to the present.

8 couples in all.

Then I see her.

She is the only one without a child clinging to her skirt. She stands alone, looking just above all our heads.

I can see the tears shimmering in her eyes.

She is a nice friendly person, a humble individual and it is only now that I have discovered.

I know.

I know how she feels.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I begin to pray.

I begin to pray for her in earnest.

If anybody needs a child, she needs it the most.

Who am I to complain? See another woman, five years without an issue, bearing it valiantly.

I thank God for answered prayers.

I thank God for my life.